The Cheezy Blog

Thanks to Drarok for this one. (Sung to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme tune)

Now this is the religion all about how
Some aliens got flipped turned upside down.
So hook up an E-meter and sit right there
I’ll tell you how you became a human Preclear.

On the planet Nostra born and raised
Mining Vespene gas is how I spent most of my days
Being overpopulated and relaxin’ all cool and
all playing some Thetan ball outside Scientology school.
When a couple of Psychiatrists who were up to no good
started freezing brothers in my neighborhood

I got in one little volcano and my Overlord Got scared
and said "your moving with the homospaiens on Teegeeack
that planet with air"

So I Whistled for a DC8 and when it came near
It had no propellers just rockets in the rear
If anything I could say the in-flight brainwashing movie was rare
but I thought "nah forget it", Then they put me in a box using some Ghostbusters gear

I pulled up to the planet about 7 or 8 million years ago
And yelled to Xenu "Yo ho, Imprison you later"
I looked at my thetans, we were finally there
To haunt us some primates with little body hair.

Everyone reacts differently to telemarketing, some people are rude to the telemarketers, some people hang up on them, others go… Just a bit too far.

A German family head out one Saturday to do some shopping. While in the sports shop the son picks up an England football shirt and says to his sister: “I’ve decided to be an England supporter and I would like this for my birthday.” His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, “Go talk to your mother.”

So off goes the little lad with the white and red football shirt in hand and finds his mother. “Mum?” “Yes son?” “I’ve decided I’m going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday”. The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head twice and says, “Go talk to your father.”

Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father. “Dad?” “Yes son?” “I’ve decided I’m going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday.” The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head four times and says: “No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!” About half an hour later they’re all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says; “Son, I hope you’ve learned something today?” The son says, “Yes dad I have.” “Good son, what is it?”

The son replies: “I’ve only been an England supporter for an hour and already I hate you German bastards.”

Live Science has a nice little post explaining the “Top 10 Ways to Destroy Earth“. It tries to merge science fiction with science fact and does so rather humerously. Worth a read.

A WW2 RAF Veteran was visiting a Convent School to give a speech on his experiences during the war.

He spoke of terrible tales of bloodshed, destruction and nail biting dogfights.

As he neared the end of his speech, he added:

“Oh, I almost forgot to mention the most memorable flight.. my first sortee in the, at the time, brand new Spitfire MKV we had all been waiting for.

We took off, and got into formation. We made our way for the coast of Devon, our mission for the day was to provide air support for a much needed convoy that was set to depart for Malta.

Whilst we were above the fleet, we began messing around, as one does, performing the odd aerobatical manuever, getting to grips with this new wonderful aircraft.

Suddenly over the radio, Lt. Smythe is screaming “FOKKERS!! FOKKERS!! DUE WEST, HIGH!”

He was right, diving down at us from the Sun were a flotilla of Fokkers.”

A quiet mumble soon turns into a haze of whispers amongst the girls as they all have a look of confusuion on their face.

The head sister stands up to address the girls:

“Girls, quiet please. To cease this confusion: A Fokker is a type of German War plane. Captain, please continue.”

“Thank you, sister. You are right.. a Fokker is a type of German war plane, but these fokkers were in Messerchmidts!”

I’m not too sure what category to post this under, it’s too true to be a joke.

Law of Mechanical Repair:

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you’ll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop:

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability:

The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone:

If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi:

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law:

If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath:

When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters:

The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with

Law of the Result:

When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics:

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theatre:

At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee:

As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy’s Law of Lockers:

If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Rugs/Carpets:

The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location:

No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument:

Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

Brown’s Law:

If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.

Oliver’s Law:

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson’s Law:

As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, “Charles, darling. Please remove my shoes. My feet are killing me!”

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor, but it would not budge.

“Harder!” yelled Camilla.

“Harder!” Charles yelled back, “I’m trying, darling! But it’s just so bloody tight!”

“Come on! Give it all you’ve got!” she cried.

Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, “There! Oh, God, that feels so good!”

In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, “See? I told you with a face like that, she was still a virgin!”

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, “Oh, God, darling! This one’s even tighter!”

At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, “That’s my boy: once a Navy man, always a Navy man!”

A new Commanding Officer (CO) was assigned to a unit in a remote post in the Iraqi desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asks the RSM why the camel is kept there. The nervous RSM said, “Well sir, as you know, there are 650 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have “urges”. That’s why we have the camel.”

The CO says, “I can’t say that I condone this, but I understand about “urges”, so the camel can stay.”

About a month later, the CO starts having his own “urges”. Crazy with passion, he asks the RSM to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the CO stands on the ladder, drops his pants and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he’s done, he asks the RSM, “Is that how the men do it?”

The RSM replies, “No not really, sir… They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are.”

Linked in IRC today was this rather amusing site, featuring funny cases of badly worded or just plain Engrish examples of documentation, for everything from TVs to kitchen appliences. Some of them are internet oldies, but many are ones I’ve never seen before, and a few of them have had me in genuine stitches.

Go read!